Wednesday 28 March 2012

Head in the stars ( and feet on the ground)

I messed up. And I'm at last coming to terms with it and ready for consequences. The past 3 months of my life were a f*** up. I'm NOT talking about the experience in itself, not the places I ve been to and the awesome friends I ve met and stayed with. That was just the most awesome and magic trip ever. I love you Australiaaaaa ( tears)
I (just) lost track of one side of reality...

Becoming spiritual was just awesome although I had to start from scratch since I absolutely did not believe in that crap before. It just ''happened'' to me without me wanting it.
But how much fun. Pretty funny skills you can acquire. Yesterday I told one of my friend all about her boyfriend's personality , talents and mental blocks just by looking at his picture. She would not believe I never met him before as I was spot on. I smiled. To me , it's just normal life.
Wait til you meet the girl who can communicate with animals. I used to call her to tell the spider in my room to get the hell out of it. Turned out it always did. I've always been so jealous of her skill. Wouldn't it be so cool?

I'm more of a people person ( you might have guessed that by now)

Yes I can meet strangers and totally understand who they are , what they're up to , what their natural talent is and what blocks them to have the life they've always wanted in about 3 seconds. It does work over the phone too. It's just a matter of knowing when or if you tell them or not. Pretty funny game. Except that you rarely see anything when it comes to YOURSELF ( you rarely listen that is) . How f***** ironic is THAT???

For that , you need OTHER spiritual friends. Yes, that is why spiritual people usually hang out TOGETHER. To me that solves a big mystery ( almost as big as why do girls always have to go to the toilet together or why are 2 AUD coins smaller that 1 AUD coins)

Of course when you acquire all those skills you think you are Harry Bloody Potter and can go where you want on a broomestick or turn everything into gold . It turns out that you can. INSIDE. It d'oh.On the outside you've got to actually work on it.

What I totally failed to see in the last 3 months is how the ''material world'' actually works. Both ''worlds'' are quite different. Some people even chose to live in one OR the other ( it is THAT different. )

Of course I don't want to choose ( bloody french) and I want to live in both worlds . I think we're all meant to get them toghether to be fully happy '' Getting Spiritual world and material world together in people's mind''. Many wise people told me that it was my bloody mission in Life ( we all have one by the way) . Not that I listened to that before recently ....
So what's better than a good old epic failure to teach the world how not to live? so I had to learn the hard way. First too material and then not enough. It's all about balance ...

I thought I'd come back rich and here I am , broke .. But spiritually rich . Like anyone here is going to actually CARE about my spiritual wealth. Sure I can tell you about your boyfriend, your mum or you ex but would you pay me for that? D'oh. I would be a good personal adviser that is for sure. Who's ready to believe me though?

Adding ''psychic'' to my hobbies on my CV would have a dramatic impact on my life. I'd be good to sell '' the big issue'' on the street with my homeless friends but still tell THEM what blocks them to be fully happy in their life.
Of course I could apply to work in spiritual shops. Do you think they have money to pay me? Most of them are like me. D'oh.

Of course when this total failure happens to you you think it's unfair with all the efforts you put in to follow your dream, all the people you actually helped to follow THEIRS. The Universe owes me big time. That's called denial and anger.
Then you have remorse. Why didn't I stay here in the first place I had it all. A great job , a flat , great friends and now I have nothing . I could have happily lived without ever being spiritual and a messenger for some other world I don't quite understand.

Then comes acceptation : I would have done it at some point in my life because I hate regrets and because '' something'' was pushing me really hard, it's way better I did it then. I needed this f**** up to start learning how to live on this planet again with my new skills while taking care of my human self ( sounds like I'm turning into a vampire every night when I say that. Quite cool actually)

Operation reconstruction of my material world. I have a pretty tough schedule that includes waking up early, writing for hours (my dream, still ) in the morning and apply for a million jobs in the afternoon. You should have seen me writing my CV. The whole hostel was there to help me.
'' Annabelle, your layout is messy , it does not make you look organized. ''
Look who's talking. An italian guy who has 2 things on his CV '' Pool attendant'' and '' Barista'' . No kidding mate.

Oh and you think the content of my CV makes me look sane anyway ? They might as well get to know who I am straight away.
I look at my CV and wondered :
Who else goes from teaching in France to cleaning in England , from manager in England to dishwasher in Australia , from dishwasher to volunteer teacher ( still in Australia) and from volunteer teacher to unemployed french woman in England in like 4 years time.
Oh and I'm a writer too ( it says that in the HOBBIES section)
Dude,my outside world is f***** up, I might as well add spiritual healer in the Education section for the past year.

Oh well, at least I said yes to getting back to the material world and learn how to balance both sides of reality. I could have gone to live in the mountains like so many of us do because we have no idea how this world works anymore ( it's getting further and further from its original purpose) . But where's the fun in that. You've got to follow what you're here for .. right?

Head in the stars
Feet on the ground

That's THE life.. as it should be.

Tuesday 27 March 2012

Square 1 (or 2)

'' So... where did you end up?'' said my friend ''29'' on facebook chat the other day.

I call her 29 because it seems that she has been celebrating her 29th birthday for quite a few years already. She was already 29 when I met her, in 2005 in a backpackers hostel called Kipps Canterbury.

She was a world traveller, I was a student teacher on an 8 months work placement in England and her secret admirer. I was way too scared to leave my comfort and the security of a future as a teacher .

Where I ended up.... Everyone had that question in mind. For the last 3 weeks of my legal stay in Australia I did a good job denying my situation. I was happily living THE life in my little town of Murwillumbah , teaching aussie primary school kids how to read in a french accent in the morning, writing a little , chilling a lot and going barefoot to the supermarket.

It's only 10 days before my visa ended that I started to worry about '' where I was going to end up'' . Not that i actually did anything about it or even wanted to end up anywhere.

Yes, us, Europeans when we fall in love with Australia we wait to the last minute to make a move. Because we secretly hope that the World Fairy will come and say
'' You've been a good girl you can stay in Australia for ever and you can even work for money ( which would be quite a new concept for me)

We, arrogant europeans , are so used to be welcomed to any neighbour country and stay as long as we want to , we don't understand the concept of '' visa''
If I'm happy in Australia and Australia is happy with me .... WTF is the problem?

Instead, the world fairy becomes your mother, when you call her at midnight her time from Flight Centre, on the day you're supposed to leave the country a to confirm the credit card number you ve been using is hers . You're 33 ,broke and your mum just paid for your ticket . D'oh. Now that's the Spirit.

The worst is when the european salesman from Flight Centre tells you
'' Don't worry darling I did the same thing as you. I called my parent to fly me out too. Then I found love and married an Aussie girl I'm now a permanent resident here!
Of course it made me cry even more. But at least he tried.

I said good bye to my friends the very same day , sobbing so much I could not even speak. I felt like I got dumped by the love of my Life for no real valid reason.
Why did you leave me Australiiiiiiaaaaa .
I left 3 hours before my visa expired. I even took a picture of the stamp out. ( and cried again)

'' Guess where I am'' I tell my friend 29

It's freezing but everybody is wearing a tee shirt just because the sun is out, most my facebook friends are online at the same time as me and my nationality provokes the following raction '' Not another french. Pleeeease''

'' Oh dear you came back Home'' she tells me.

Home.

Going home : Stop traveling. be responsible , take responsibilities for my actions and act like an adult.
That's what it should mean. If home was not a backpackers hostel in Canterbury, England.
That's when my ordinary life becomes (again) the opposite of everyone else's.

Now that I ve stopped traveling I can at last share a dorm with aussies, argue that Melbourne is way better than Sydney over breakfast with strangers, and speak about work with an italian guy looking for a job as a pool attendant ( yes, in England. He 's waaaay worse off than me) .

Sure. It all makes sense (not) . My mood is oscillating between '' awesome , I get another go , the adevnture is on!'' ( Spirit) to '' Why the f do I have to do it all again. 2 weeks ago I was a world traveller on the verge of becoming a writer. My book was being published by some great publisher in France.Then what happened? I just did not have enough money for my dreams. Now I'm here , on the verge of applying for a job at Mac Donalds and start over AGAIN ? SERIOUSLY? ( ego)

To Spirit : So... on the one hand you're telling me that I have to leave my material comfort behind to live my dreams. That, I finally did 4 years ago.I left house, car , job , fiance ( sorry) and moved in to a dorm in Kipps. Now you're telling me, after 3 trips around the world that I don't have ENOUGH material comfort to achieve it and take me back to... a dorm in Kipps?

Me angry? A TINY BIT.

What was the purpose of all that then? I could just have STAYED HERE.

Experience, son. Experience.

I 've officially seen both sides of the spectrum now. And guess what. Feeling trapped in your 9 to 5 life is the same pain as feeling that you and your freedom belong nowhere . It's called being out of balance. D'oh.

Now we're talking. I can understand you and you and also you. Compassion, son. That will save me. One day.

For now I need to get rid of that epic failure feeling. I am the only one who has it. When I tell my story to people I expect them to say '' Oh poor Annabelle''
But instead they laugh and they ALL say '' I wish I had your life''

WHAT???? Even with the credit card bill? And The fact that I'm an unpemployed 33year old who lives where she used to WORK????

Hell yeah. They say. Something about my passion about Life and Freedom. Something about me giving a go to my dreams.

2 weeks ago I was a world traveller on the verge of becoming a writer...

And when the negativty stops in my head I can see finally see it. that I still bloody am one. My book is still worthy of getting published , I haven't lost my ability to write and I 've been to so many countries that I can have a half an hour conversation with every single traveller here.

No, when you follow your dream you NEVER go back to square 1.You've made a choice and you will go there whether your little ego likes it or not.

When you follow your dream, the only thing you can really change is the way you SEE your Life. Because it will never be the same again and you don't want to miss out on the joy it could bring you NOW ...

Do you?


Follow me on facebook join my page '' Citizen of the world''

Friday 9 March 2012

Letter to Julia G

Dear Julia G.,

I have decided to write to you about the end of my visa in 13 days before I go on hunger strike ( ie only live on wine) like any normal French person would do or make an attempts go on the show '' Please marry my boy'' to find a desperate 30+ Aussie who' d be ready to marry a French girl with a British accent who can only cook crepes and sometimes burn them ( I can also saw someone's name on a handkerchief and I can prove it)

Julia, Please Keep me.

I'm not that arrogant for a French person ( I'm not from Paris) I'm now as easy going as an Aussie ( but still take politics seriously, unlike the Aussies)

Like all Australians I didn't like the movie Australia but like all French women I watched it 3 times anyway. (for Hugh Jackman)

I can say ''G'day mate'' in a perfect Aussie accent , I wear thongs and almost answer '' New South Wales '' in a French accent ( ‘’new soos walz’’ ) to the question where are you from. I cry when people ask me if I’m from Paris.

I can sing the Australian national anthem by heart and can remember 2 whole lines when I 'm sober. It's the other way round with the French one ( and I 'm drunk most of the time)

I enjoy Australian wine as much as French wine. I have even caught myself calling one of your sparkling wines Champagne one day ( WOW). If you let me stay I would even drink a full glass of white goon to celebrate.

I still don't understand cricket but it is still more enjoyable to watch than a game of soccer where Italy cheats against the French.

I have given up asking people why 2 dollar coins are smaller than one dollar coins and accepted reality as it was : I have no idea what is a Euro coin looks like.

I woke up at 3am to go to the ANZAC day ceremony in the next village. Believe me, I would never do that in my country. No one would , since we have so many of them we can't really remember if we're celebrating people who fought the war or another day off.

I love reading about Australian history. It only takes a couple of hours and then you can go to the beach. I can't remember what happened between the middle ages and now in Europe so I ask the Australians. THEY know.

I prefer a hot Christmas to a white Christmas; I can't really remember New Years since I was too drunk but if you let me stay I'm sure I will love it.

In Australia I volunteer in a primary school where I teach little kids how to read in a French accent and how not to cook. In my country I would never do that for free .I have to pay for the visits to the shrink.

I got myself an Aussie flag for Australia Day. If you do that on Bastille Day in France you're a bloody racist.

Julia, Please Keep me.

I sort of know how to use a barbie, I can now help with setting a tent up (by taking pictures and serve coffees). In France a Barbie is a blond doll with big boobs and camping is for Bogans.

I love watching Aussie news. 2 minutes about politics and the rest about the weather and sharks. In France the sharks are the politicians and politics takes 3/4 of the news.
The last bit is about how bad the weather is except in the South which is full of Aussie tourists.

Australian men can catch deadly animals with their bare hands. French men need gloves to cut cheese.

Julia, please keep me.

I can be in the same room as a spider for more than 3 minutes without crying , shouting or panicking but I still could not do that with Sarkozy.

I never said anything bad about your haircut ( or maybe once or twice but because it looked REALLY weird) and I can say that you look better and taller than the guy at the head of my country ( even without his high heels)

I wrote about 50 blog posts about Australia and one about France. I'm a writer. Didn't I tell you? Let me stay and I will tell the world that there is more to Australia than snakes, spiders and backpacker murderers.... or maybe I won’t. There are too many bloody tourists over here already anyway don't you think?

I should not have to say all this, Julia. Because we’re all the same in the end. We all want to be happy and should be able to do it anywhere we want without writing a letter denying our own origins ( who would do that anyway, that's ridiculous )

We're all citizens of the same world. But you're right. I should not say that too loud. Because What would that make YOU ?

Useless... But wouldn't it be a relief for you?
You guys politicians could at last stop trying to pretend you know what you're doing

Then we can all go to the beach ( or to Paris) and do what we love without ever questioning the word '' Freedom '' again.

Now how cool would THAT be, Julia?

Best regards, mate

Annabelle.

PS : I love your new hair colour.

Monday 5 March 2012

That's the Spirit...

Spirit 1/ self , inner being , soul
2/ ghost , phantom , spectre.

Yes , here I am looking up the word '' spirit’’ in a dictionary, trying to make sense of my Life. Follow you spirit they say. definition 1 and 2 are not entirely satisfactory.
I'm going to go for 3/

3/ strong liquor

I've been told recently that more and more people are currently realising that we are actually made of 3 different things :

1/ A body . Girls : Don't say I put on 5 kilos. Say My body put on 5 kilos. It makes a hell of a difference because YOU can have more of that cake over there.

2/ A mind . the logical part of us, the thinking bit. The common sense. No, I can't say more about the mind because I ve lost it a while ago.

3/ A spirit. Still looking that one up. That's usually known as the feeling telling you '' Mate, there is MORE to Life'' . Feeling that you can or can't shut up according to how hard you can try ignoring it.

I can't ( obviously). Because I would ( sometimes)

Make it a book, call it '' Eat Pray Love'' or '' into the wild'' and following your Spirit will make sense to EVERYONE. Make it your Life and it does not even make sense to YOU. ( Let alone other people)

And here you are , with zero money, no flight out of Australia ( visa due to end in less than 20 days) , looking up the word '' Spirit'' in the dictionary in Murwillumbah's library , sitting right next to the '' dangerous species '' section ( which is scarily big by the way)

I would like to have an answer : What the hell am I doing all this for????

The thing is when you live a life that is no longer governed by your logical mind and when you made a conscious choice to listen to that voice ( call it intuition if you're freaked out by the idea of a voice. I am.) , you have ABSOLUTELY no idea what you're doing.

When you start following your Spirit ( intuition , heart , love , guts, strong liquor, you name it) your Life makes sense RETROSPECTIVELY. Things happen to me and THEN I understand why. Life as we don't know it. Yeah, that one. Apparently it gets better when you get used to it ( ask Jesus )

Like for example , I am just making sense NOW of what happened to me LAST YEAR.
So when people ask me now that I hit the big zero money :

'' Annabelle , what is it you WANT to do NOW????! YOU HAVE TO HAVE A PLAN ''

I freeze.

Recently, I've decided that the best answer to that is :
'' I WILL TELL YOU NEXT YEAR'' ( if the end of the world hasn't happened)

Yes, it takes guts to follow you Spirit when you absolutely have NO idea where it takes you. But what would even take ME more guts , is to stop.
I've tried to stop, yes .Why? to finally make sense again. Have a routine , know what I'm doing. It did make sense. To other people. Not to me or no for long anyway. D'oh.

Did I tell you how much I like making sense to other people? To send the right message?
You're gonna laugh. Because obviously THE OPPOSITE happened recently.

In the last 20 days I was the ''wanna be girlfriend who gives no space'' to a guy , then I went woofing and I was a '' drug addict hippie'' for mentionning the words '' community'' trust'' '' sharing'' to the family I was staying with ( who needs connection more than free food and accommodation these days? Hippies. Sure)
Then my best friend reminded me that I could not really complain or ask anyone for money because I was that backpacker having fun out there drinking coffees on the beach when everyone else is working their ass off. SURE.
Other friends emailed me that now that I've wasted 4 years of my Life and it was time to go back to France to find a REAL job.
So I decided to do a teacher training course , to make more sense to my friends, my family so I don't lose their love and respect ( and maybe later, it will also make sense to ME, if I'm lucky, who knows .)

My family? They just refused to lend me money to go on that teacher training course in Thailand because they think it's a scam. They saw it on telly. D'oh. Money from loving family = zero.


So much for making sense to others. D'oh.

Wait til I tell them I'm also a psychic. ( just kidding i'm gay. Just kidding I'm really a psychic)

If it was not for what people I love think about me and what I'm doing , I'd be damned happy.

Because in the last 20 days, I ALSO

helped an amazing lady through cancer ( who ended up helping ME because I was broke. She took me dancing , cooked for me and made me laugh again) , stayed with an awesome guy who told me so much about Aussie culture I now feel like I was born here , I worked with great people at the Red Cross ( yeah for free) who gave me my first ever expensive branded clothes in my whole Life ( isn't it ironic) , I had an awesome picnic with a smart sensitive Aussie man who happened to have read my blog and wanted to meet up with me ( it is sort of weird to go for lunch with a stranger you know nothing about but who knows ALL your fuck ups in the past year because he's read them all online. No , he did NOT invite me over to his place. This one knew better.)

I found out I could not live with people who don't share the same values as me ( and only tried to fit in for 5 days before I freed myself again. Major improvement)

I met great French people who also have travel fuck ups that are worth a good laugh, I flew back to North New South Wales where all my friends were as happy to see me that I was to see them ( very) and had free coffees from an Italian man who owes me a '' Life Time of free coffees'' .

I am being looked after every single day by my amazing friend and her little boy who calls me family. I also teach little Aussie kids ( yeah for free) how to read english in a real Aussie primary school (excited) . Me, the one with a totally f**** up accent .A weird mix of Brit, French and russian ( so I ve been told) . Imagine how those poor 6 year old kids will end up speaking.

I went and run my friends B and B ( yes, for money) for the week end and had them help me about my situation. They suggested
1/ sell a kidney in Bangkok.
2/ go to French Polynesia and claim benefits.

My Spirit has not let me know about what's coming next. It never does. All I know for now is that I don't choose my Life, my Life chooses ME.

I have today 100 Australian dollars in my name, have no idea what's coming next, I’m 33 years old in 2 days , my Life has never been such a mess but it never felt so right..........

But how can I make sense to other people ?????

Elizabeth Gilbert and Christopher Mc Candless did it. So... for people to understand me, Do I have to 1/ marry a guy called Felipe 2 / be found dead in the snow ? ( Thank God I’m in Oz)

Sounds interesting.

Damn I did it again. Wanting people's approbation........ I've had a Life time of '' what will the neighbours think'' so excuse me for caring.

As a friend reminded me recently : France was nominated 10 times at the Oscars for a silent movie... It can only mean one thing : The French make more sense when they shut up... and everyone loves it.

Can't wait to try that one out.

Shut up and follow your spirit. We don't need to know anf let know what we're doing.... in the end, we just need to know WHY we're doing it.

So I will end this post with some other guy's words. A guy I deeply admire because I know what he's been going through to be able to say that the other day , on his facebook status:


‘’ Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Act because you need to act ‘’ PAOLO COELHO